I just want someone to say they love themselves exactly how they are, and mean it. Every single bigger lady that I've looked up to as a role model, has dropped weight lately. I know its healthier for you, but they made me realize Im perfect just the way I am. Im secure enough in my own skin to know this by now, but they were the people who were all about 'im big and beautiful'. Now theyre average sized with the confidence of a mouse. I don know what it is, but its like when they lose weight, they lose who they are.
This scares me. I dont want to lose weight, because I do not want to change who I am. If I were smaller, I know it would change my personality. And that is the last thing that I want to happen. I love who I am, and I feel like if I shrank like they did, I wouldn't be who I am anymore.
Who is going to stand up for the big beautiful ladies? I guess this girl will. :]
Every little thing, gonna be alright.
The sun will come up tomorrow morning, and set at night. That won't change. I will go to bed, and wake up with new opportunities. Just because something happened yesterday, doesn't meant it has to effect my 'today'.
I will get through this week. I will move onto summer, and I will have an amazing one.
Im freaking out. What do I do? Im trying to decide how the rest of my fucking life will pan out, and Im freaking the fuck out. I didnt realize life would be this difficult.
Do I stay at Morehead and change my major? Or do I go home, and go to Galen School of Nursing?
This is the rest of my life Im dealing with. But how could I leave my life at Morehead? My sisters. My best friends. How am I supposed to leave that?
How am I supposed to change my major and life a full life, knowing I gave up?
I cant do this. Im breaking now. Im so glad I scheduled a visit with the campus therapist tomorrow.
I need you right now.
I need you to listen to me.
I need you to tell me everything is going to be okay.
I need you to distract me.
I need to hear words from you, because I believe them all.
I need you.
I was supposed to get my Acceptance/ Decline letter for Nursing school last week. I still dont have it yet. But somehow, Im okay with it. I have a small feeling down in the guy that I dont want to be accepted into the BSN program. If I did, I would be here for another 3 years. I've already been here two. No thank you. Then comes by back up plan. Applying in the fall for the ADNP program. No problems, right?
But heres where my brain gets confused. I've started second guessing what I want to do in life. What if I changed my mind? Can I change my mind?
You are supposed to love what your future job will be. And I dont. I like the idea, sound and money involved. But I dont know if its something I have the passion for.
I hate going to class on Tuesdays. Its my chem/anatomy days. I hate hate going to these classes! I should love it. Nope. Id rather stay in sociology class all week long. Its something that interest me, and Im good at it. Im not good at Anatomy and Chem.
So now I wait for the letter.
So I went out on two dates this weekend. I had an absolutely wonderful time at both. Date #1, I hadn't seen him in 4 years. He was literally everything I want in a guy. Everything. I seemed so at home with him, and comfortable. And still nervous and fluttery at the same time.
Dae #2. I have known who this man was since I was born. He moved back to Kentucky the summer before I went to college. We've been on and off ever since. I think the reason I was so enthralled with #1, is because he is *just like* #2. They are both so so much alike, and I compared the two.
Just my luck.
I hate how, one day, I go from feeling like I'm on the top of the world. How can my state of mind take a total 180 in 24 hours?
Wednesday was supposed to be my initiation. I've been waiting for this for almost a year, and it was finally here. I was so euphoric, and proud of myself for getting to this point. I know I got myself into this situation, but for once, I had gotten myself out. On my own. Guess that wasn't good enough. Now my initiation is being pushed back yet again. I really feel crushed and defeated this time. I've been working so hard for this for the longest time, and I don't know how much of a fight I have left in me. I guess I'll see over the next month. They said they wont get to my transcript till the middle of October, anyway. I guess I'll save up my willpower till then, then hit them full force. I've put too much time, money, and tears into Sigma. I'm not giving up yet. Ive invested too much.
Next: Daniel.
God, where do I start with this boy. Hes honestly the most caring and sweetest boy I've ever talked to. He makes me feel beautiful, even then I'm bumming it all day. He appreciates me for who I am, and I love that. I really like this guy, and it's strange for me. He tells me hes scared to get back into another relationship, cause he just got out of one. I'm usually the one second guessing myself. This time, I'm 100% sure, and I wish he was the same way. I'm waiting for him to decide, and it's killing me. I'm not one to wait around, or let a boy have a hold on my heart like this. But strangely, I'm okay with waiting for him. I want him to be just as sure as I am, if and when we do get together. I think this could work out in the long run, like I've been looking for, for a while. In the meantime, I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm not sure if I should continue acting like we always did. Should I pull back, for him to see how much he'll miss me? And what if he doesn't? What if he finds another girl? What if he gets tired of me?
I've NEVER been this stressed over a guy before. I don't know how to deal with it, and people are noticing. I don't want to put myself into this, only to have it given back to me in pieces. I just want to know what his intentions are. Is he doubting us, or just pacing himself. I would kill to find out. I don't want to waste my time. And if he doesn't want my heart, I would like it back before he damages it even more. I'm not an insecure person, by any means. But he makes me feel vulnerable. And I don't like it.
I'm waiting for all of this to blow over.
If at all, eventually.
I want my smile back.
Pressure makes pearls.
