Posted by Miss Meghan , Friday, September 17, 2010 6:34 PM
I hate how, one day, I go from feeling like I'm on the top of the world. How can my state of mind take a total 180 in 24 hours?
Wednesday was supposed to be my initiation. I've been waiting for this for almost a year, and it was finally here. I was so euphoric, and proud of myself for getting to this point. I know I got myself into this situation, but for once, I had gotten myself out. On my own. Guess that wasn't good enough. Now my initiation is being pushed back yet again. I really feel crushed and defeated this time. I've been working so hard for this for the longest time, and I don't know how much of a fight I have left in me. I guess I'll see over the next month. They said they wont get to my transcript till the middle of October, anyway. I guess I'll save up my willpower till then, then hit them full force. I've put too much time, money, and tears into Sigma. I'm not giving up yet. Ive invested too much.
Next: Daniel.
God, where do I start with this boy. Hes honestly the most caring and sweetest boy I've ever talked to. He makes me feel beautiful, even then I'm bumming it all day. He appreciates me for who I am, and I love that. I really like this guy, and it's strange for me. He tells me hes scared to get back into another relationship, cause he just got out of one. I'm usually the one second guessing myself. This time, I'm 100% sure, and I wish he was the same way. I'm waiting for him to decide, and it's killing me. I'm not one to wait around, or let a boy have a hold on my heart like this. But strangely, I'm okay with waiting for him. I want him to be just as sure as I am, if and when we do get together. I think this could work out in the long run, like I've been looking for, for a while. In the meantime, I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm not sure if I should continue acting like we always did. Should I pull back, for him to see how much he'll miss me? And what if he doesn't? What if he finds another girl? What if he gets tired of me?
I've NEVER been this stressed over a guy before. I don't know how to deal with it, and people are noticing. I don't want to put myself into this, only to have it given back to me in pieces. I just want to know what his intentions are. Is he doubting us, or just pacing himself. I would kill to find out. I don't want to waste my time. And if he doesn't want my heart, I would like it back before he damages it even more. I'm not an insecure person, by any means. But he makes me feel vulnerable. And I don't like it.
I'm waiting for all of this to blow over.
If at all, eventually.
I want my smile back.
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